Coaching, mentoring and telling

These three are different and using the wrong one is why a great deal of development conversation achieves nothing.

Telling is giving the answer. Right when somebody genuinely does not know something factual, when it is urgent, or when the stakes make experimentation unwise. Overused, it produces people who wait to be told.

Mentoring is sharing your experience. "When I faced this, here is what I did and what I would do differently." Useful when you have relevant experience and the person wants it. The risk is that your path becomes the only path offered, and their situation is not yours.

Coaching is helping somebody find their own answer through questions. It takes longer, it is uncomfortable for the coach, and it produces judgement rather than compliance. This is the one managers use least and need most.

Why coaching is hard for managers. You know the answer. Watching somebody work towards it slowly, or towards a different answer that is also fine, requires restraint that feels like withholding help. It is not. Giving the answer solves today and leaves the person unable to solve tomorrow.

The test for which to use. Could this person work it out with support, and is there time? Then coach. Do they lack information they could not have? Then tell. Have you done exactly this and would the story help? Then mentor, and offer it as one option rather than as the answer.